Top 3 Things that are OK or Not OK in Male/Female Christian Relationships

(Just some things I’ve picked up recently and in my 36 years of life)…

Men (if you are interested in a romantic relationship with a woman)

1) Pursue her! Show interest in her. Go out of your way to let her know that she has caught your attention and you think you might want to date her. She’ll either be into it or she won’t. If she’s not, it stings a bit, you regroup, and move on to the next girl that captures your attention (maybe she’ll be more receptive). Don’t test her to see if she’ll be the one to go the extra mile to be with you. God created women to be pursued, not the other way around. Believe me, if she knows she can trust you with her heart, she’ll go the extra mile and then some.

2) Don’t pursue multiple women at the same time. If you think you might have feelings for a girl or might have a future with her, she needs to know that you feel closer to her than any other girl (aside from mom or other motherly figures). If you need to spend time talking in great depth or meeting alone with other women, make sure you have a non-emotional reason for doing so and make sure you can tell your special lady about it. If you feel like you have to keep it from her then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

3) Respect her physical boundaries and yours. As Christians, we know God intended sex for marriage but when you love someone you want to be intimate with them. Do the best you can to honor God, your body and your girlfriend’s body and if you slip up talk through it and do what you need to do to prevent the slip up from happening again. Crossing those physical boundaries can cause an enormous amount of guilt and shame, especially in women. She wants to be intimate with you. She wants to satisfy your physical needs but she also wants to honor God and her future husband by saving herself for the man who is committed to spending the rest of his life loving her and sharing life with her. A Christian woman who has engaged in pre-marital sex can feel like she’s betrayed God and her future husband and she can carry around a lot of guilt and shame for that until God heals her heart. Any recurring slip ups cause a woman to slip back into that guilt and shame. Men, know when you push those physical boundaries with a woman who is not your wife (not yet, at least), this is what it does to her heart. Again, she wants to be with you but how awesome would it be for both of you if you could be free and completely uninhibited to express your love for each other sexually, without the guilt and shame.

Women (If you are interested in a romantic relationship with a man)

1) Be yourself!!! If he’s into you, he will love you for who you are so don’t go changin’ to try and please him (to quote an old classic!). Trying to morph yourself into the person you think he wants, will keep you in a constant state of wondering if he could ever love the “real you”. In a relationship, people do tend to have to adjust to sharing life together but if you have to change who you are at the core, the guy is probably not meant for you.

2) Show him the respect he needs and deserves. He is the man that you are considering to lead you spiritually and in your relationship. Give him every opportunity to do that and trust that God will equip him to do it well. Most Christian women are looking for strong men to love them and lead them. God created men to be strong and lead so women need to allow them to do it. Let your man be a man and submit to him as the head of your relationship. When a woman starts to take over in a relationship the man can feel emasculated. He may also feel like he is not good enough for his wife or girlfriend. Other men may lose respect for him and tease him, saying his wife or girlfriend runs the show or wears the pants. Women…do not do this to your men!!! (disclaimer: men, don’t abuse your position as head of the relationship and lord it over your wife or girlfriend. You also need to respect and submit to her in the relationship).

3) Don’t pursue multiple relationships with men. Men, just like women, need to know that we are closer to them than any other man (except our dads or dad-like figures). Confiding in other men about our relationships is inappropriate and can be dangerous. If the guy appears to be sensitive to your plight when your man obviously was not, you may start to develop feelings for the guy who “understands you and your needs better”. Your man WILL NOT be ok with this. (FYI – women are also NOT OK with this, so men should not be confiding with women about their relationships either.)

Men (If you are interested in a friendship with a woman)

1) Don’t try to be a woman’s confidant or best friend. It’s too easy for a woman to develop feelings for someone if they feel that close of a connection with them. If the feelings aren’t mutual the friendship will likely not survive. Check in with them every now and then and hang out in groups. Women don’t need to have deep, meaningful, and emotional “friendships” with men. They get those needs met by their husbands or boyfriends and by their close girl friends. If you feel like you need to have these kinds of deep, close “friendships” with women but have no interest in a committed relationship, then you need to work out some issues before you do irreparable damage to some poor girl’s heart who thought you might be the one.

2) Make sure your actions match what you say. If you tell a woman that you are not interested in dating or you are not interested in dating her then don’t confuse her with flirtatious banter, frequent phone calls/texts/e-mails, inviting her to spend time alone with you (if you do spend time alone with her, don’t pay. She’s already either convinced it’s a date or trying to figure out if it’s a date. Paying just makes her think it’s a date even more). And be careful what you say to her. If you tell a girl who is single and available that she is beautiful, special, or something along those lines she is likely to think or wonder if you are interested in her. If she’s into you, she may start fantasizing about a relationship with you. If you were just trying to be nice and encourage her then you’ve got an uncomfortable situation on your hands that could have been avoided if you’d have just left the compliments to men who actually are interested in her or to her girl friends. Girls may fantasize about a relationship with you anyway so you should not do anything to encourage it if you don’t have interest in them. Just as I said in 1, if you like women fantasizing about a relationship with you but have no interest in a committed relationship, you need to work out your issues before you do irreparable damage to a poor girl’s heart.

3) As much as you can, try not to be alone with a woman if you have no interest in her romantically. If she’s single and available, it can send a message that you might be interested. If she’s in a relationship, it’s disrespectful to her husband or boyfriend. If you are helping her with something non-emotional and can’t avoid being alone with her, just make sure you keep it non-emotional and if there is a significant other in one of your lives, make sure they know what’s going on. Bring a friend along if you can.

Women (If you are interested in a friendship with a man)

1) See “Men (If you are interested in a friendship with a woman)” 1-3 and apply it to women! J

I wrote all the above based on experience, meaning I learned the hard way about how I should be relating to men. I’ve been hurt or have hurt others in one way or another in regards to all of the above stuff and I just wanted to share what I’ve learned with you in hopes that it might be useful or enlightening. Take it or leave it.

Love,

Erin