Before Bible time today:
On Thursday, I realized that I am so absorbed in myself and in the approval of others that I have forgotten to be what God wants me to be. A little pressure and criticism makes me obsess about being perfect so no one can criticize again but that mentality has caused me to be so far from perfect. I have failed to be a kind and considerate friend/person. I have neglected to help people in need. I’m too busy, stressed, crabby…whatever the excuse, it is no excuse. I got schooled in how I should be by a complete stranger. I stopped at Churches Chicken to get a sandwich on my way to Marian and the guy at the counter’s credit card wouldn’t work. I thought to pay for his meal but instead pretended to be ignorant of what was going on. Another guy stepped up and did what I should have done and the whole restaurant was talking about his kindness. The lady behind the counter started talking about how rare it is for people to do things like that anymore and how when she was growing up she was raised by the “village” meaning everyone worked together to raise kids, help each other out, etc… It doesn’t happen anymore. I was seriously convicted. The day before that, I was in a hurry to meet my friends for a movie, and a guy was standing beside the road with a sign that said “God bless” I made eye contact with him and thought to help him but quickly averted my eyes and drove away as soon as the light turned. Thoughts of the Bible, where it talks about not neglecting to help a stranger because in doing so, we could be entertaining angels, crossed my mind. I could go on and on about how many times I have grieved the Spirit. Every time, He prompts me to do one thing and I ignore Him and do something else. I’ve said it myself so many times…if we don’t respond to the Spirit, He will prompt someone else to do what needs to be done and we miss out on an opportunity to bring glory to God and share in that glory. It’s time for me to change.

James Intro and 1:1-27

James’s mission was to win Jewish brethren to Christ. I think that is why I love this book so much. I feel a burden to win the church to Christ starting with myself. How am I to win others if I am still on a wayward path? In so many ways, I am just going through the motions. I am so far from being like Christ that it makes me wonder if I have missed the mark altogether. The Bible says we will be known by the fruit we bear. My tree is pretty bare alright...how clever am I with my little play on the words bear and bare :)! So here's the burning question? How can the church witness to others if we ourselves don’t see.

I used to think that the biggest change that happened when I accepted Christ was the peace and hope I felt during times of struggle. I used to feel so helpless and hopeless whenever I faced some sort of inconvenience or challenge. Looking back the things that devastated me then seem so trivial. Young children and women are being trafficked as slaves, people are dying of starvation, and some have died never knowing a single act of kindness in their entire life. I could go on and on but the point is that there are bigger problems than mine. I feel ridiculous knowing that I stress and worry about such trivial matters even now. I am like “the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.” I ask but am filled with doubt and lack of trust in God. So I try to do things myself and whether or not I fail or succeed, I am left feeling exhausted, stressed, frustrated, discouraged, and isolated. Where is my peace? Where is my joy? I do not have it because I do not trust God to bring it. I fight every day of my life for my own glory and the approval of man and that is why I am driven and tossed by the wind. I’ve engaged in my own personal war that I can never win. It will kill me unless I let go and surrender. It’s a war that was never supposed to happen. Who am I that I should be glorified? As I said before, it’s time for a change but not any kind of change I can do in my own strength. Lord, I am imperfect, trying to be perfect. I am ordinary, trying to be extraordinary. I am broken, trying to be flawless. Why? Because I have believed the lie that no one will ever notice or love me if I am imperfect, ordinary, and broken. I have coveted and fought for the love and approval of man so much that it has become an idol. I’ve wanted it more than the Perfect Love and Grace that I have always had from You without any effort at all on my part. Your Grace and Love are sufficient. Help me to believe and live that. Maybe then we'll start seeing some fruit on that bare tree of mine! :)